Nazgul Nonsense: The Journals of the Nine
by Novaeariel
Summary: It's not as easy as it looks....riding around on those forsaken horses, with saddle sores....not to mention those sweltering shrouds, what was Sauron thinking?!
1. The Journals of One and Two: Of Shrouds ...

Disclaimer: The Nazgul and most other characters-unless I mention them beforehand-belong to Tolkien, and I've just twirked them a little for my own twisted amusement. The plot belongs mostly to me, with some small exceptions that are events from Tolkiens books.  
  
Reviewage: Please, Please, PLEASE give me reviews! This is my first story, and I'd love to hear from everyone! Flaming is good, as long as it helps me figure out what I've done wrong, and how I can fix it so you like it better! Dankoo.  
  
**This is just the first section, if people like it, and I get lotsa reviews (hehe) then I will upload more as soon as I can!**  
  
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Nazgul Nonsense: The Journals of the Nine  
  
The Thoughts of One, June 7th  
  
It's getting too damn hot. Damn shrouds. Why the hell does Sauron make us wear them. Bastard. He could at least have them made of fabric that breathes. Or that Elven stuff.that'd be nice-not that they'd be happy to make it for us. But a different color at least would be a change.black is so hot, and it's depressing, and it makes Three so nervous. Blue is a nice color.. But then Six's horse would have conniptions. Damn animal. Of all the horses in Rohan.. Why did he have to pick that one?  
  
We're still after those fucking hobbits. Ahh. I can't write that. just thinking about them gives me the shivers.. They're unnatural...so short...so hairy..so creepy..ugh. Nine wants to catch them though, and rape the one with the ring.... He thinks he's damn sexy. Idiot. He's unnatural too.  
  
Three is whimpering about the darkness again. He's unnatural too. They're all unnatural. They're all fucking idiots. Why me? Why do I have to be stuck with these fools? Two thousand years. it is far too long. I can't stand it much longer. But there's no way out.. Maybe if these damn idiots could be reformed.. No. I'm stuck. Stuck with these imbeciles.  
  
No. Maybe there is a way.  
  
  
  
The Thoughts of Two, June 9th  
  
One is turning into such a bitch. The summer heat always gets to him. He keeps bitching about the robes. But Sauron really should change the color, I've suggested pink. But the others-nine especially-are all like "Gag me with a spoon." Losers. They have no taste. I don't know how I live with them all, they're all so.unfashionable. The horror. I keep wishing that I could ditch them all. I'm too good for them anyway. I should be sitting on the throne of Rohan. But because of that bastard Sauron, I'll never have a warm bubble bath, a pedicure, or a shopping expedition to the Gap of Rohan again.  
  
The more I think about it, the worse my situation is. Oh, woe. These forsaken horses smell more and more each day. Not to mention the saddle sores that have been popping up in.ahem.rather unpleasant places. If Sauron could at least put some more cushioning on the saddles.  
  
Ohmygod.Seven's looking at me in "that way" again.I think I'd better run before he finds his whip. What I wouldn't give for a martini.. 


	2. The Journals of Three and Four: Of Wills...

--Sorry this has been late in coming.I've been sidetracked.  
  
Normal disclaimers apply.  
  
Please, please, PLEASE review! Flames are welcome, and will be used to burn the Nine's old shrouds, so they'll have an excuse to make Sauron get them new ones. --  
  
The Thoughts of Three, June 9th  
  
They're all out to get me. Each time the dark comes, I can hear the whispers, the plots. It's all a conspiracy. Will I live through the night? I won't sleep. Then they can't get me. I'll never sleep again. NEVER! Hahahaha! Take that!  
  
Maybe I'm being to rash.. They're tricky, they are.even if I don't sleep, I could be ambushed anywhere. I must be on guard, always. I can't trust anyone. Not even my horse. No.especially not my horse..  
  
I hate the dark. All these foreboding feelings, tonight is the night. I can feel it. Here is my will, because I doubt I will see the light of day again..  
  
To the other eight, I leave my robes. So that they may be guilty, and regret their evil deed.  
  
I leave my sword to Six, because he always seems to be breaking his.  
  
My horse goes to Six, so that he can get rid of that God-forsaken beast.  
  
My ring shall be buried with me, as I do not wish to part with it.  
  
Ah! A noise from behind? Someone is watching.always watching.I feel their eyes upon me now. Valar save me! I must continue with haste!  
  
There is a pink gown back at Minas Morgul.hidden carefully in case I ever needed it.this should go to Two, I hope it brings him happiness-and luck in the next cross dressing competition.  
  
Lastly.my jock strap should be returned to my kingdom of old; Arnor-it shall be an heirloom bound to all that follow in my bloodlines.  
  
Someone approaches.I must hide! But wait.if I am assasinated this evening.in the deep, evil darkness of the night, then someone has to find my will. So do I not hide this journal? Or do I? If I am not killed, and someone finds it-they might be angry that I have not given them more.Oh! I do not know! They're all out to get me! It's all a conspiracy! They're after me! I'm surrounded! Valar preserve me from these evils that come with the night!  
  
  
  
The Thoughts of Four, June 10th  
  
Our poor company grows weary. I found Three shivering in the bushes with his hands frozen into a sign against evil. I feel so sorry for the dear. He's so afraid of the dark, and so paranoid of everything. I wish I could help him, but every time I approach him, he screams and wails something awful.  
  
I wish we could just find those rotten hobbits and reclaim the ring. Then we'd be able to return to Minas Morgul-if only for a while-and rest.  
  
One grows ever restless with contempt for Sauron. After all these years his ring still feasts on his soul, leaving him full of hatred. I long for him to return to his darling old self..  
  
Six keeps drowning his sorrows with alcoholic beverages, I try to inform him of the dangers of drinking and riding, but he just won't listen to me. I have tried to break this habit of his lately, by hiding his mixes, but somehow, he eludes me..  
  
Seven keeps coming onto me.I must keep flashing my chastity ring at him-as a reminder of my promise of abstinence to my parents. But it doesn't discourage him much, while nodding off to sleep, I often see him fumbling through his saddlebags-I suspect trying to find his whip. He worries me.  
  
I wish I had a book, dear me, a good drama, and a nice cup of that tea Two used to make for us.  
  
Ah.the good old days..  
  
--Once again, PLEASE review! Please, please, PLEASE! Flames are welcome, and will be used to burn the Nine's old shrouds, so they'll have an excuse to make Sauron get them new ones.-- 


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